Let’s help you in this blog with one thing that paralyses leaders and can stop them from fulfilling their true potential…
True fear is an awful experience. It can range from unsettledness, to a sense of dread and overwhelm, to outright paralysis. Over the years running Kataholos, I’ve experienced fear in many different forms, and realised that as a psychological phenomena, it’s here to stay in our lives. However, I do not feel that this should be a cause for dejection and despair. Quite the opposite. Once something is embraced as a necessary and natural aspect of life, once we accept it, then we can begin to manage it well.
Let’s start by exploring two reasons why you as a leader might be feeling fear at the moment or in the future months to come.
We all have places and spaces, people and ways of doing things that bring us comfort: our favourite movie that we re-watch endlessly, a familiar route home from work, or listening to similar music often. And there is nothing wrong with spending time in places of comfort. Without a space of essential comfort- primarily food, sleep and shelter- we would die. But I see our comfort zones as like our beds; they are an essential place to spend recovery time, but not the place to live our lives.
And so you step outside and challenge yourself: you try a new hobby, you listen to a new type of music, you travel to a new country, you take that new job. And immediately… you feel fear! Why is that? It’s basically your inner self treating the experience like driving through an amber traffic light, it’s checking,
Do you want to stop here, keep going or turn back?
That’s the fear zone and you are in it. It’s a necessary place that you travel through on the way to learning, growth and living your dreams. Keep this in your mind- it’s a place to visit, not live in.
A second reason why you may experience fear is due to random unexpected things happening to you in life: global pandemics like Covid, losing a client or a job, a sudden poor health diagnosis, your partner breaking up with you, a death in your family. These things are all hard enough to deal with, and what makes them harder is the unpredictability of them. You don’t know when they are going to happen, they are not fully under your control. And so you feel fearful, beaten by the sheer blunt painful moments which they create. And then there is the secondary fear of thinking- how long will this last? What will it mean for me and my loved ones? Etc etc. And this chain of thought can lead to anxiety and overwhelm.
So now, let’s give you my simple process that you can use when you are in a place of fear or when it visits you unexpectedly.
Recognise
Begin by taking a minute to recognise that you are feeling fear. Fear is one of the basic primary emotions, often triggered by perceived threats, danger or pain. So when you feel it, allow yourself to acknowledge it. You might recognise you have a certain physical sensation- I often have a feeling like my stomach has just dropped, or sometimes I get a rush of blood to my face that I cannot control. You may also get racing fearful thoughts, a sense of dread, or you might feel a sudden loss of energy. Get to know how fear feels when you experience it, and don’t repress it. Don’t try and take action to solve it straight away, or try and analyse a fearful situation, it won’t work. You must first say to yourself, Ok I’m feeling fear at the moment. Once you do, you can move onto step 2.
Calm down
Once you have acknowledged that fear is with you, you can then take action to calm yourself down. This is essential, do not move to step 3 before you do, as if you are still in a state of strong fear, any plans or actions that you take will not be helpful. I’ve trained myself for years in this process, so that once I recognise fear, I immediately move from thinking about the situation, to calming myself down. I know that the quicker I do, the sooner I can engage with the situation, and make a plan to move forwards. This step is the most difficult, and that is why most people struggle with fear; it can be hard to calm yourself down at the best of times. But once you find what works for you, you can repeat it, and the cycle of fear experience becomes shorter and shorter and more manageable.
Here are some things you can try to calm yourself down- I’ve tried all of these and they all work well.
What you want to do is to remove stimulation to your mind and body and focus on just one thing. Fear is both a very intense emotional felt experience, as well as the thoughts which come with it. Re-align your focus onto one thing, such as your breathing or looking at a far away object outside, to regain your calmness. The more you practise this, the better your mind becomes at returning to a calmer place. You will know when it happens, as you will feel less overwhelmed, your physical sensations will have lessened, and you will be able to think a bit more clearly.
Important point- sometimes a good sleep helps, if all else fails, try that.
You are not expected to be solving the fearful situation with these activities, all you are doing is calming your system down enough, so that you can think straight and plan out what to do to move forwards.
Plan
The final part people often think is the hardest, when fear hits; but it is actually the easiest. I love making plans! I really do. They are one of the best ways to take you from where you are to where you want to be, and you can create as many as you want, for the rest of your life, with very little resources. If you find it difficult to plan, I’ve written a whole blog about it to help you. You can read it here:
You an begin by asking yourself two very simple questions, to get your mind into creative and problem solving make:
1 What do I want?
2 What can I do?
And begin with these. The first question gives you a goal to aim at, and the second question stimulates how to get there. Do not be put off by their simplicity, in moments of fear, simplicity is exactly what you want to have. If you get stuck planning out the second question, make sure to come back to the first one, each feeds the other in a virtuous cycle. I love writing plans down- and the simplest way is on your phone or digital device; or you could also write them down on paper. Once you become skilled at this process, you can do it mentally, just in your head, if you are out and about or in moments of transition, and you will be able to re-focus very quickly.
Applying RCP to 2 everyday examples of fear – You lose a client
This sucks. We have all been there. You weren’t expecting it, but then you got the email, or the text. As soon as you see it, your thoughts start racing, you feel emotions panic, guilt and overwhelm, and it’s only the middle of the day. Your team are looking to you to lead them and be an inspirational example. So, what can you do?
Recognise
You take a moment to allow yourself to really feel your feelings. There is anxiety there and panic. Your breath has gotten shorter and your chest hurts. And you know yourself well enough now to recognise what is under all of this- you feel scared.
Calm down
Once you have recognised and tuned into this, you immediately move into calming yourself down. You leave the room that you were in and do three things, that you know work for you. Firstly, you write down exactly what has happened and how you feel. Then you go for a short walk and focus on what you can see. Then you do five minutes of deep breathing- focusing on breathing out for longer than you breathe in.
Plan
Now feeling calmer, you make a plan to decide what to do about the situation. You use the two focusing questions to help you to create a plan.
What do I want?
You want to replace the client. You also want to minimalise how upset you are getting about it. You also want to know how to be in a better position, because this has happened.
What can I do?
You know that the first thing to do is to update your team, so you put it on a list to do tomorrow. You also know that you will need to alter your current financial projections, in light of what has happened. You also note to see how you feel and where you are in one week’s time, to see if you have achieved your challenging goal of handling it well and being in a better position, in a week’s time.
You get injured in the gym
As leaders, we understand about taking care of assets and people and planning for the long term. So hopefully, you exercise and take care of yoursel, as you know that you need good energy and health in order to be the best leader you can be. So, imagine this. You’ve just finished what you think was a really good and effective workout: you are hot and sweaty and feeling good. But then you feel a muscle twinge in that familiar place. The suggestion of an old injury, and all of a sudden you feel a rush of fear that you have injured yourself badly, and you are going to be sidelined out for months. You are in the middle of a 3 month training programme, and you are nowhere near achieving your goal yet. So what do you do?
Recognise
You take the time to get really clear about what is hurting in your body and how. You pay attention to the thoughts in your head, the old narratives and stories that have begun once you felt the pain. And you allow yourself to acknowledge that under both those things is fear, for how this could affect your training and your life.
Calm down
After recognising your fear about the injury, you begin the process of calming yourself down. You know that you can’t do this at the gym, surrounded by people, you are too sensorially stimulated. So you get into your car and begin the drive home. You deliberately do the short drive in silence, paying attention to your surroundings. You allow the boredom and under/stimulation to happen, knowing it will help you. Once home, you put your stuff away, make a hot drink and set a timer for 20 minutes. In that time, you allow yourself to watch YouTube videos on your phone to distract yourself. Then, when the time goes off you stand up and put your phone away. You take a few deep breathes and realise that you do feel a bit calmer, and you are ready for step 3.
Plan
Although still feeling a bit wobbly, you can see that this isn’t the end of the world. You then create a 3 part plan- short, medium and long term. Short term, you decide to use an ice pack and painkillers for 24-48 hours, to address the pain. Then medium term, you use ai to help alter your weekly programme, asking some questions and mapping out some tailored training for the next few weeks. Then you realise that by doing that, you are still on track to meet your long term goal, as you can still keep your daily steps, good and sleep the same; and thinking clearly, you know that is where most of your results come from.
Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear- George Addair
I love this quote and it is so true. Let me give you an example of how so. I have always been terrified and fascinated by sharks. And so, just before I starred Kataholos, I went swimming with them in a huge tank at the Blue Planet Aquarium in Chester in England. I thought I would feel a huge amount of fear an adrenaline rush. But instead, when I saw the shark, I felt an immense sense of awe and wonder. It was incredible. When I came out of the tank I felt so calm and at peace, after the encounter. The fear was totally gone and I was on the other side of it. I now want to do cage diving with great white sharks, as I know that the same thing will happen.
The leader that you want to become will be on the other side of the experience, in the place beyond the fear.
Love and best wishes,
WhatsApp: +44 7581412253
Email: michael@kataholos.co.uk