There are moments in life when people don’t need another qualification, another training course or another motivational speech. What they need is someone who believes in them until they are able to believe in themselves again.
Over the past twenty years, I’ve become convinced that this is one of the greatest gifts any leader, teacher, parent or friend can offer another human being. Confidence is rarely lost overnight, and it almost never returns overnight either. More often, it is rebuilt through hundreds of small moments where someone feels seen, encouraged and reminded that they are capable of far more than they currently realise.
When people begin to believe that growth is still possible, they often start behaving differently long before they see different results. They become more willing to ask questions, embrace challenge and persevere through setbacks because they have started to imagine a future that is bigger than their present circumstances.
One experience from my teaching career has stayed with me ever since because it completely changed the way I think about helping people grow. A young girl joined my Year Three class after performing extremely well in her SATs in Year Two. She had been told repeatedly that she was “very clever”, and everyone around her believed this and encouraged her with these words. Yet within a few weeks I noticed something unexpected. Despite doing well in lessons, she seemed unusually constantly anxious. She worried a lot about getting things wrong, became uncomfortable whenever work was difficult and never seemed satisfied with her own performance.
One day she looked up at me and shouted, “Mr Quigley, just tell me I’m clever!” I’ve never forgotten that moment. I gently told her that I wasn’t going to do that.
For a split second she thought I meant I didn’t believe in her. In reality, I believed in her so much that I wanted something better for her. I didn’t want her confidence to depend upon a label that she would spend the rest of her life trying to protect. I wanted her to discover that she could continue growing, learning and becoming more capable every year of her life. To have what Carol Dweck calls a Growth Mindset. Over the months that followed she embraced challenges instead of avoiding them, became more resilient and flourished in ways that constant bland reassurance could never have achieved.
That experience taught me one of the most important leadership lessons I’ve ever learned. The greatest contribution we can often make isn’t convincing people they are already enough. It’s helping them believe they can continue becoming more than they ever thought possible.
Carol Dweck’s work on Growth Mindset helped me understand why this matters so much. When we praise people only for being intelligent, talented or naturally gifted, we can accidentally make them afraid of failure because every mistake feels like a threat to their identity. However, when we recognise effort, courage, perseverance and learning, something changes. People stop trying to prove themselves and start trying to improve themselves. Confidence built upon growth is far stronger than confidence built upon perfection.
Although I first learned this through teaching children, I now believe adults need it just as much. As children, many of us receive regular encouragement from parents, teachers, coaches and family members. As adults, life often becomes dominated by targets, deadlines and responsibilities. Feedback tends to focus on performance rather than personal growth. Several years ago I asked a room full of leaders a simple question:
“How often do adults receive genuine positive affirmation?”
Almost everyone laughed before giving the same answer.
“Not nearly enough.”
I wasn’t talking about empty compliments or superficial praise. I was talking about those moments when somebody notices our character, our effort, our kindness or our resilience and takes the time to tell us. Those moments become surprisingly rare as we grow older, yet our need for them never really disappears.
I also think the modern world has made this more difficult. Many people now look for affirmation in places that can never truly provide it. Social media encourages comparison, while criticism from complete strangers can stay with us far longer than encouragement from people who genuinely know and care about us. We begin allowing voices that know very little about us to shape the way we see ourselves.
Real affirmation is different. It comes from people who know us well, want us to flourish and remind us that our worth extends far beyond our latest success or failure. For leaders, this creates an enormous opportunity.
Helping people believe in themselves rarely requires grand speeches. More often, it grows through ordinary conversations. It begins by noticing the good in people and then being specific enough to tell them what you’ve noticed. Rather than saying, “Good job,” you might say, “I really admired the patience you showed in that difficult conversation,” or, “I noticed how you made sure everyone else had the opportunity to contribute before sharing your own opinion.” That kind of affirmation doesn’t simply recognise performance. It recognises character.
Timing matters too. Some of the most important moments to encourage someone aren’t during annual appraisals or after major successes. They’re after setbacks. When someone returns from illness, experiences bereavement, struggles with confidence or simply has a difficult season, they are often questioning themselves more than ever. A thoughtful conversation at exactly that moment can have a lasting impact because it reminds them that they are valued not only for what they achieve, but for who they are.
Leadership gives us the opportunity to become that person for somebody else. When I look back over my own life, I don’t remember the people who simply praised me. I remember the people who challenged me because they believed I was capable of more. They combined high expectations with genuine encouragement, and that combination quietly changed the way I thought about myself.
Perhaps that’s why I believe leadership is ultimately an act and process of creating of hope. Every time we invest in another person, we’re making a statement about what we believe is possible. Every thoughtful conversation, every encouraging word and every opportunity we create for someone to grow is a way of saying, “I believe there is more within you.” Helping people believe in themselves again doesn’t require perfection. It requires attention, consistency and genuine care. It begins by looking for potential instead of limitation and choosing to nurture it patiently over time.
If you’d like to develop leaders who bring out the best in people, I’d love to help. At Kataholos, we deliver Leadership Training & Development, communication workshops, keynote presentations and coaching that help individuals and organisations think differently under pressure, strengthen relationships and create environments where people can flourish.
Because when people begin to believe in themselves again, remarkable things often follow. They become more confident, more resilient and more willing to contribute. Sometimes, all it takes to begin that journey is one leader who chooses to believe in them first.
Kataholos Leadership Training is available to be delivered as:
121 online coaching
Online or in person group training
Online course in both video and audio format
Through subscription to our online platform www.kataholoslearning.co.uk
Love and best wishes,
WhatsApp: +44 7581412253
Email: michael@kataholos.co.uk